Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
