Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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