That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
