id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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