OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
