Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
