Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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