Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
