All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
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She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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