Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize