no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
