He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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