when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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