thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
