I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
