Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
