Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i would punch a child for taco bell
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
tonight lets celebrate not being married
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
