Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
