i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You are the jesus of drinking
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
