Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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