i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
