He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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