I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
