see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
