Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
