Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i drank out of a bidet.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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