fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
