I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
