hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
