i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
