In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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