haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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