Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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