You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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