i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We don't watch enough power rangers
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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