Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
