just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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