sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
