Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
