I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
