dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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