i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
