I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
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