There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
