Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
