You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
