The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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