I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
