That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
