I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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