some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My vagina is officially offended.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
