he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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