Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
it hurts more in the daytime
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
