a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
