the condom got lost in my hair
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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