i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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