I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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