Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
