Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you didnt know i had herpes?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
