This is not my ceiling
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My ATM looks so different sober.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
