FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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